holyfuckingshit: evil children / Saturdays in October (see times below)
Evil starts early. Have you ever really looked at a child? Once you wipe away the cutie goo-goo and suppress your parental instincts, there’s something profoundly weird and scary underneath. Think about it: children look like little mutants with their melon heads, oversized eyes, and clawing little fingers. And these gremlins could turn on you in a minute, and you wouldn’t ever be ready. Why should we trust the underdeveloped moral reasoning and selfishness of these little brats-–they’ll lie and cheat and do anything to get their way. Protect yourself now! Don’t believe me? Watch these films, witness the kinder-carnage, and fear what could happen to you!
10/4 @ 10pm / SERIES: evil children Mondo Kinder-Carnage!
We've got an overstimulated sugarbomb of a program featuring terrorist toddlers, reprobate ragamuffins, budding butchers, and cutthroat cubs hurling pure malice towards any adult in their path, ending with the psyche-shattering Child of Rage, the must-see TV movie featuring the most evil little-girl-not-literally-possessed-by-the-devil you've ever seen. This rarity is both hilariously shocking and shockingly hilarious, because all the scorching hate unleashed by the little girl is encased within the pasteurized skin of women's network filler. An insulated middle-class couple questions their adoption, when their little girl turns out to be pure psychopath: smothering her younger brother with a pillow while repeatedly punching his gut, hitting on her new grandpa, and hiding a knife in her teddy bear like a prisoner smuggling a shank. They actually cure the kid (using primal screaming brat therapy), but seriously, once you see her in action, you won't want her to ever be cured. It's just that good.
Watch an awesome clip from Child of Rage!
Tickets - $10
10/11 @ 10:15pm / SERIES: evil children The Brood
The hooded gaggle running amok in The Brood are the physical result of "psychoplasmics", a ficitious blend of anger management and hypnotism that could only come from the mind of David Cronenberg. Frank has placed his unstable wife Nola into the confinement and care of Dr. Raglan (Oliver Reed), a psychiatrist whose progressive techniques enable his patients to expunge their hang-ups through a physical manifestation of pent-up rage. When Frank's small daughter comes home with bruises and welts after visiting mom, and when Nola's parents are murdered by a deformed child-like creature, Frank begins to suspect that there's a connection between it all and Raglan's unorthodox methods. Leonard Maltin panned the film with only two lines, but it sounds like heaven to us: "[Samantha] Eggar eats her own afterbirth while midget clones beat grandparents and lovely young schoolteachers to death with mallets. It's a big, wide, wonderful world we live in!"
Dir. David Cronenberg, 1979, 35mm, 92 min.
Watch the Brood trailer!
Tickets - $10
10/18 @ 10pm / SERIES: evil children Devil Times Five
On their way to being hauled off to the asylum, five psychotic children (including a pint-sized Leif Garrett) escape into the winter wilderness when their bus skids out and flips over. After seeking refuge in a remote ski lodge, the murderous moppets devise plenty of kickass ways to dispatch with the skeezy mustachioed adults who've let them wander in. Each of the five tykes has their own peccadilloes, and uses their obsessions (army men, fish, even nunnery!) to fuel their kills. We're not given much of a reason for the kids' killing urge--all the better, for would you really care about their motivations anyway? Like BlackHorrorMovies.com sez: "Any one of these kids could grow up to star in their own slasher movie, but that would remove the perverse joy of seeing 10-year-olds drag a naked, bloody woman through the snow."
Dir. Sean MacGregor & David Sheldon, 1974, DigiBeta, 88 min.
Watch the Devil Times Five trailer!
Tickets - $10
10/25 @ 10:15pm / SERIES: evil children The Children
On the trails of the Village of The Damned and The China Syndrome came this nuke panic/killer kid hybrid in which the children of the town of Ravensback are exposed to deadly gas an turned into toxic tykes with black fingernails who vaporize their victims with one harmful hug ("Mommy! Mommy!")--and the only way to kill them is by hacking off both their cute little hands. While this sounds too convoluted to cohere, director Max Kalmanowicz holds it together, and keeps the train rolling with some clever surprises, like normal kids turning deadly without warning, some truly creepy children-lurking-in-the-dark scenes, and best of all, having the adults realize it's their own children they have to kill to survive! If you got too scared to go back into the ocean after Jaws, this one might make you think twice about touching a child ever again--much less having one.
Dir. Max Kalmanowicz, 1980 35mm, 93 min.
Mondo Kinder-Carnage!
The Brood
The Children
